What If They Never Change?

You tell your mom about a decision you’ve made, and before you’ve finished, she’s asking whether you can afford it. You tell a friend something hurt you, and now you’re reassuring them that they’re not a terrible friend

You weren’t expecting a perfect response. Maybe you just wanted them to be happy for you. Or to hear you without turning it into a conversation about their intentions.

After a while, you stop bringing things up. You already know how it’s going to go. But you’re still disappointed when it does.

I hear “It is what it is” a lot in moments like this. And sometimes it is. You can’t make someone respond differently, no matter how clearly you explain yourself.

But what if there were a different way to engage, so you didn’t keep leaving these conversations frustrated or resentful? What if the power shifted from waiting for them to change to asking what you could do differently?

What do you want to do differently?

That’s a question I ask clients a lot. The first answer is often, “I want them to stop.”

Of course you do. You’ve probably asked them to. But if you’ve already explained what hurts and they keep doing it, waiting for them to stop can leave you having the same conversation over and over.

So I’ll ask again: What do you want to do differently?

Maybe you don’t want to discuss your finances with your mom anymore. Maybe you want to tell your friend, “I’m trying to talk about what hurt me right now. I’m not saying you’re a bad friend.”

You can still hope they’ll hear you. You just don’t have to make your next move depend on it.

Who gets to decide whether things change?

If the relationship can only improve when the other person listens, apologizes, or stops doing what hurts you, you may be waiting a long time. Maybe forever.

And while you wait, they end up with a lot of power. Their response determines what you share, how you feel after a call, and whether you think you’re allowed to make a decision without explaining yourself. You may find yourself acting like the child you were with a parent, or getting anxious and pulling away before anyone can disappoint you again.

Changing their access doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring or that you’ve given up on the relationship. It means their willingness to change is no longer theonlything that can change it. You can decide what you share, what you give, which conversations you stay in, and what you’ll do when the same behavior happens again.

That’s where some of your power comes back. You’re making a choice from the adult you are now, rather than waiting for someone else to give you permission to have a different life with them.

“But they’ve done so much for me”

This is usually where someone tells me why they can’t do the thing they just said they want to do.

“My parents helped me pay for school.” “She was there for me when nobody else was.” “They’ve done so much for me. I can’t just say no.”

I might ask, “What does their help mean you owe them now?” You can be grateful for what someone gave you without agreeing with every choice they make or putting their needs ahead of yours.

What they did for you matters. So does how they treat you now. Both get to be part of how you decide what this relationship looks like going forward.

Access and responsibility

Maybe you keep sharing details about your life because you want this person to feel included. But when you tell your mom about a financial decision, it becomes a conversation about whether you can be trusted with money. You can appreciate everything she’s done for you and decide that your finances aren’t something you’ll discuss with her right now.

Lysa TerKeurst writes about accessibility and responsibility in her book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, and I’ve found that idea helpful. If I give someone my time, energy, resources, or personal information and they repeatedly handle it carelessly, I can change how much access they have.

That might mean discussing less, calling less often, or no longer giving something I’ve been giving. I’m not doing it to make them feel bad. I’m paying attention to what happens and making a different choice about what I offer next time.

If they begin handling that access differently, I can reconsider. I don’t have to decide today what this relationship will look like forever.

What about no contact?

Sometimes changing the amount of access someone has means having no contact at all.

I don’t mean that every time someone criticizes you, hurts your feelings, or disappoints you, you need to cut them off. There may be a conversation you haven’t had yet, or a different way to stay in the relationship without giving them the same access to your life.

But sometimes contact itself is harmful. You feel on edge around this person, and even a call or visit can leave you so unsettled that it takes a long time to feel like yourself afterward. Sometimes the harm has been more direct, and being in contact with them puts you at risk of being hurt again.

At that point, no contact isn’t about getting them to understand how much they’ve hurt you. It’s about recognizing that staying in the relationship is causing more harm. You don’t have to keep returning to someone dangerous to see whether this time will be different.

That can still be a painful decision, especially when you love them or wish the relationship could be something else. Painful doesn’t necessarily mean wrong.

What if they still never change?

You might do all of this and still wish they would respond differently. You might miss the relationship you’ve been trying to have with them.

Changing what you share or how often you call doesn’t make that disappointment go away. But it does mean you’re no longer making the same choice every time and hoping, once again, that they’ll make a different one.

Maybe they begin to respect a limit you’ve set. Maybe they don’t. Either way, you learn more about what this relationship can hold right now.

You don’t have to figure it out all at once

You may know something needs to change without knowing exactly what that change should be. Maybe you’re ready for a different kind of conversation. Maybe you need more space. You can start by getting honest about what keeps happening and what it’s costing you.

If you’d like help sorting through that in your own relationship, I’d be honored to work with you. You can book a free 15-minute phone consultation with me here.